I still am not sure where I stand on polyamory. I really like the idea that people don't have to repress their feelings for each other (based on the common idea that if you're in a relationship, you can't hit on or sleep with anyone else) and can love more freely in that way.
Maybe one of the reasons I'm not sure where I stand on poly is that it didn't work out perfectly for me. Nothing in life ever works out perfectly, but the thing about polyamory that really threw me for a spin was not knowing if everyone involved had good communication and were talking openly about the relationships. I'm not feeling eloquent right now, but I want to express that everything in a polyamorous relationship can feel fine, until one day you all realize that x wasn't said like it sould have been, or x wasn't done as it should have or could have.
I think that polyamory has a really great potential for working out if everyone involved wants it to work out. Poly will never work if people use it as an excuse to mindlessly sleep with multiple people at once, but will only work if the people involved are partaking because they want a new way of being romantic and relating to their lovers. Polyamory can't be used as a front for cheating, and I've discovered that if it is, everyone is left much more devestated that they thought was possible for them. Poly is based on consent, and until everyone in the relationship learns what that is and how to put focus on it, there will not be a healthy relationship.
I'm also much more in favor of loose polyfidelity over just plain polyamory. Polyfidelity means some sort of accountability, where everyone can be with multiple partners if that's what they need, but that it doesn't turn into some sort of orgy. Polyamory can mean to some that you can be with whoever, whenever, however. Polyfidlity seems to refine it and say, hey, you can be with another person, but only that other person unless we talk and you let me know that there's someone else involved. Polyfid is a way that partners can also feel a lot safer about STDs- when you're in some sort of webbed love connection to multiple people, you want to know that everyone's been tested or using condoms or whatever necessary so you all wouldn't be affected by one person's STD.
I don't think I'm ready to settle down into one real relationship right now, and my inabiltity to pinpoint why is agitating. Ever since I was a kid I've had crushes on a whole bunch of people at once, and I still do, but this doesn't mean I'm polyamorous by nature, I think. I want to find out for myself whether I want polyamory so I can express these feelings to multiple of those crushes, or if it's just some way I'm using to let myself not get too attached to any one person and risk being heartbroken. Polyamory is never a good solution to problems that are already there, like the inability to commit or having iffy self-esteem.
In general, I have a lot more praises than complaints on polyamory as a concept. I think I might want to experience this again to figure out if it's what I want and what I can do well with, but it's difficult because I also can't just get into two relationships so easily- many people have too much jealousy or hesitations to want to even try polyamory out.
The hardest part of polyamory is communication, and when there are 3+ people all involved that closely in each other's lives, evry little tension seems magnified. I really respect people who can sustain healthy polyamorous relationships since it seems like it takes much more time, talking, and acceptance than most people are willing to give.
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